I hate all girls vehemently.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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