i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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