Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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