The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
