Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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