im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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