just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
