I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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