just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
