i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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