I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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