I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
