he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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