my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
