Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
