I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
