I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
