If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
