If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
