Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
