i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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