I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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