sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
