Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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