woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
