Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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