guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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