Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
