That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dude. I can hear the air.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
