Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize