I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
