so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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