Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
