Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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