Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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