did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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