Moan for me like Helen Keller
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
