Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
