Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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