two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize