listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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