Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
