Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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