I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
