My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
