so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
