I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize