Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
