Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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