I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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