i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
