Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
