how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
