You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize