When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
