it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
