Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
