Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
