i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
