So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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