watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
