You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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