Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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