After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
