Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
too bad you live with your parents still
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
